A Heartbreak at a Wedding

I still regret where my habits of love have taken me. Wherever I go, my habits follow, damn! I still remember that evening, she called me to inform me about her fixed marriage. I was just learning photography and looking for a source of income. She, on the other hand, had passed the Public Service Commission exam and was only waiting for her posting.

I was a boy who came from the Far West to Kathmandu and was struggling, while she had grown up in Kathmandu.

Returning home from the meeting with her at that cafe in Battisputali, I was completely extinguished. My life, which used to sparkle when I was with her, became like darkness when I was separated. It was difficult to 'move on' with work. Still, I had to work to earn a living. It's hard to survive in Kathmandu.

Her wedding day was on Magh 27. Coincidentally, my office had received an order from her family to prepare the wedding photos and videos. My other friends were not letting me go to the wedding party palace.

Leaving behind eyes that could recognize her, ears that could hear, a mind that could understand, and a heart that could feel, I reached her vicinity like a stone on the riverbed.

'You rest at home today, we'll take the pictures,' my friends were saying. But no! I felt like going. This thing called the heart is quite talented. It likes to stay immersed in the habits formed by the past.

I decided to go, thinking I would find happiness in it. After all, there was nothing to gain. Just a momentary solace for the eyes and a few days of restlessness.

Somehow I reached the party palace. Other friends were with me. Leaving behind eyes that could recognize her, ears that could hear, a mind that could understand, and a heart that could feel, I reached her vicinity like a stone on the riverbed.

I had already become a stone on the riverbed when her waves washed me away and she moved forward. However, there was no complaint. The wedding ceremonies began. I, wearing a cap, mask, and glasses, was focusing the camera on her. She was not happy. She was doing things backward and forward absentmindedly during some of the rituals instructed by the priest.

During the wedding, when the groom and bride circumambulate the sacred fire seven times as instructed by the priest, they follow it. After completing the circumambulation of the fire, the husband and wife are bound together. That stage had arrived. And I remembered our past. She, who didn't feel like circumambulating the Talbarahi temple with me when we went to Pokhara, how easily she was walking now.

'Not now, we'll do it at our wedding later,' she had said.

I remembered our trip to Nagarkot. And thousands of days of fun together. Remembering that made me want to cry even more.

The fire for the ritual was not burning well, and smoke was rising intensely. Whether the smoke was from the fire or from my chest, no one could tell. But the smoke was making it difficult for those sitting around. My already sour heart began to water, shielded by the smoke. My eyes became moist.

I remembered our trip to Nagarkot. And thousands of days of fun together. Remembering that made me want to cry even more. I handed the camera to another friend and went to the washroom. The dreams of doing this and that, of staying together, were shattered before my eyes.

I couldn't bear it; I started feeling dizzy.

Doesn't the love that started when we were studying in grades 11-12 last forever? I was fed up with myself. I wished someone would trample on my memories; I wanted to become dust. Let her live in a world of happiness. I was disappointed in my heart. But I had to do the work. I returned towards the groom's side. It was time for applying vermilion.

My hands were trembling. I couldn't focus the camera correctly. What a tragedy! Even when I said I didn't need anything anymore, fate kept playing games with me.

Perhaps she was happy; I didn't want to snatch her happiness. But someone was taking my love far, far away from my hands. I was completely naked in emotions. Yet, I had promised to remember her in the twinkling stars.

I couldn't bear to see her cry. I couldn't bear to see her wave goodbye. Forgive me, dear! I couldn't be yours in this life.

As the tika ceremony was ending, my glasses accidentally fell. Then her eyes met mine. At that moment of farewell, tears welled up in her eyes. I, staying out of sight, was taking photos and looking at her. Her eyes were searching for me.

I was remembering that day again, the day she held my hand and promised not to cry during the wedding. But today, she broke her promise. Perhaps if I had been near her when she cried, I would have wiped her tears. I became distant or was made distant. I couldn't wipe her tears.

I couldn't bear to see her cry. I couldn't bear to see her wave goodbye. Forgive me, dear! I couldn't be yours in this life.

After the farewell ceremony was over, our team was packing up. I wanted to cry and writhe. Bidding everyone farewell, I quickly ran onto the road. It felt like her memories were chasing me intensely. While being chased, I hurried along the banks of the Bagmati towards Aryaghat. It was the time of the evening aarti, and preparations were being made to burn bodies on the other side of the ghat.

On one side, there was dancing and singing during the aarti, and in the same frame, bodies were being burned, covered in the smoke of sorrow.

Then I remembered the situation in the afternoon, where those celebrating at the wedding were enjoying themselves, but she and I were burning inside with the pain of not being able to be together. Even without smoke, the heart had turned to ashes. Then I realized that everyone in this world lives in their own world and lives in it.

Wishing never to meet her again, I turned back.