Wish You Were Here!

The way I look at the moon has changed ever since you left me all alone here. I have never been prepared to walk alone in this big world. Ever since I was a kid, I have always dreamt of going to places with you and exploring the world you described to me .But the world I am living right now is far different.

 I had always been fascinated about watching sunrise, sunsets, and the night skies full of stars. The sunsets and the night skies always give me hope that one day I’ll see you there like they show in the movies. Now I am stranded, keeping my fingers crossed with a stand of hope that I’ll see you someday on that moon and those sunsets staring at me from far. I wish I was lucky enough like other kids who can still hold the hands of their grandpa.

They say people with broad forehead are lucky, but I have never been the one as l don't have you - my friend, my philosopher! How l wish you were here by my side holding my hands, telling me stories. You know from the day you left; things never have been the same as before. Was I a bad grandkid, hajurbuwa? If not, why did you leave me then? Those days when you used to come to pick us up from the school gate used to be the happiest day . Having you as our grandpa is the biggest flex for us as people used to recognize us just by saying your name. I wish l had a time machine that could take me to the time l was kid so that I could be with you.

By the time we reached there, all the memories we had together and the times we spent together were flashing before my eyes. I was feeling like I was going to meet my grandpa like every other time. It was 4/5 hours’ drive, but it felt like forever. To have someone to look up and feel like they are there for my whole life, it was just an illusion. It was all lies.

You are the perfect grandpa anyone could ever ask for. Grandma once mentioned that there was a lady who told her that you and I used to look alike when we were little. Those Dashain’s tika and blessings we used to get from you, I am working hard to make it come true. When we were kids, you used to ask us to walk on your back and in return you used to give us money which we treasured so much. The snacks you used to buy for us are still my favorites.

When someone talks about their grandpa and the fun they have, I get jealous. I would have fun with you too only if you were here. The counting of days to meet you again never stopped. The taste of food you used to make; I will never be able to taste it again. I fear that I forget how it used to taste. It is really a scary feeling to forget how your loved ones used to sound like. I still needed to learn so much from you. If only I could go back and change things. If I had the power to bring you back, l would make a wish that you were here, but l these things only exist in the magical world, I reckon.

You were the greatest inspiration for all of us. You paved us the way to walk on. You being rewarded from the king himself is the proud moment for us to date. All those writings and books you published and all those life experiences you used to share, all of them really helped us all to be aspired by you. Even though you left us, there are still imprints of you in our hearts. We will always be looking up for you. The moment you left, my heart was split in two; one side filled with your memories, and the other side just died with you. I wish I had hugged you a little bit longer when I last saw you. You never said I’m leaving; you were gone before I knew it. I needed you a million times.

 I hope that you are happy wherever you are. I still miss your voice and the stories you told. I miss you as much today as I did the day you left. The only thing I’ll ever regret is that you left me before I had the chance to make you proud. I left home to live like a free kid like you asked for, grandpa. I left everyone behind selfishly. Did I do the right thing? Growing up is scary, grandpa. I don’t care who leaves me now because I lost you whom I couldn’t even say goodbye to. I am still learning to exist without you. Sometimes, it feels strange, but I’d give anything and everything to get the chance to sit right beside you once again. There is so much I wish to tell you. Now I tell it to the stars, hoping you’re one of them and listening to me. I pinky promise to you that I’ll fulfil all the responsibility and take care of our family, being the first granddaughter.

Keep shining guiding my path in the pitch-dark nights, until we meet again!

(This obituary memoir is written in loving memory of Nimasha's late grandfather, Hari Bahadur Dhungana, whom she deeply cherished and admired)